This Isn't How Parenthood Was Supposed To Be
by Barbadiangirl
Summary: After having a baby, our favourite couple must learn to adapt to the changes which follow. Sarah battles with her expectations of how parenthood should be and the reality she now faces. Chuck must learn how to manage fatherhood and being a business man.
1. Chapter 1

27/08/13. I went over the story and realized as many reviewers had pointed out that there were a few grammatical errors so I fixed them. Barbados was the only Caribbean colony which never changed European hands after settlement. Therefore, although we speak our Bajan dialect, when it comes to formally writing, we use standard English so we spell "favourite" with a "u" and stuff like that.

So this is NOT an update, I hope to have that up sometime next week. And I don't own Chuck.

Hello everyone. I hope you are all doing well and that you will enjoy my story.

/

The sounds of a crying baby was the first thing that assaulted his ears. Casey approached the front door, almost hesitantly and knocked. He was surprised when Sarah answered, her eyes frantic as she held her 6 week- old son in one arm, a bottle of milk in the other and a burping cloth over her shoulder. The baby was still crying and Walker herself looked like if she was seconds away from bursting into tears herself. Casey refrained from making a snide comment about her appearance, somehow he didn't think it would be wise to say "Christ, Walker, you look like hell!" He didn't think she would appreciate the statement. Although she hadn't been on a mission since she officially announced she was pregnant, he knew Sarah was still very adept with her knives and he didn't want to explain to have to explain to Chuck why a knife was embedded in his Indian statue that was a few feet away from him. But she did look terrible, her hair was in a messy bun and she looked fagged out.

He stepped inside and closed the door behind him. "Is Chuck here?" he asked Sarah. She gave an exasperated sigh in response. " No he isn't and he was supposed to be home hours ago!" She exclaimed which caused the baby's- Chuck Junior or CJ as they called him - cries to raise an octave.

"Casey, I need you to watch CJ for me. PLEASE! "

He looked at her like she had grown another head and then back at the baby "Walker..." he started but was immediately cut off by Sarah.

"Look" she started, "I just need to grab something to eat and have a quick shower. I'll only be fifteen minutes." She was practically pleading with her eyes so Casey gave in and held out his arms to take the baby. He had held CJ before but that didn't mean he was comfortable yet but he had learnt how to hold him properly so he wouldn't hurt his neck. And besides it was just as Mama B had said once, when holding babies, employ the same tactic you would use when holding live explosives.

Sarah placed the bottle of milk on the centre table and made her way into the kitchen. Casey looked at his godson; whose cries had subsided to little whimpers. It was unnerving to him, the way the baby looked directly into his eyes; almost as though he was reading his soul. It was silly, Casey thought but when CJ looked at him with his chocolate brown eyes which he had inherited from his father, it really did feel that way. His mind wandered to thoughts of his daughter Alex and the time he had missed with her. He couldn't change the past but he often wondered "what if" : what if he hadn't accepted that mission that had altered the course of his life forever. He sighed and shifted the baby in his arms. It was of no use thinking about the "what ifs" and the other uncertainties that he had no control over. But there were something's he were sure of : he would be there for Alex and for his godson and for his family, admittedly they were an unconventional family but he would do any, and everything in his power to protect them.

Sarah turned on the kitchen tap and splashed some water on her face. She felt like she was in way over her head. She needed to get away. After walking to the arch which separated the kitchen and the front house, she saw that Casey was now sitting on the couch with the TV's remote in one hand and the baby in the other. Sarah knew he would be safe with Casey and with that knowledge, she slipped out the house through the back door.

Sarah walked down the street. It was empty, and that suited her just fine. She felt the warm summer breeze envelop her and she sighed. She felt like a fish out of water. Give her her throwing knives and her favourite Smith& Wesson and place her in a room full of armed mercenaries or terrorists , she could take them down; and quite easily so, give her a fork, and she could quell a revolution in Jakarta she could do all those things but she couldn't take care of her own child properly.

/

"Your momma sure is taking her time isn't she CJ?" Casey asked the baby who stared up at him in wonder. "Walker!" He called but got no response. She did say she was going to take a shower so he decided to see if she had gone upstairs. He knocked on her bedroom door and turned the knob. There was no sign do Sarah so Casey knocked on the bathroom door of the adjoining bathroom. He didn't hear any water running but he decided to knock again just in case, he really didn't need to be flashed by Walker. He knew something had to be wrong and when he entered the bathroom and there was still no sign of her, his mind traced back to how tired Sarah had appeared when he first got there. She had probably just gone for a walk and to clear her head. He didn't know what she was going through but he knew she did need some time to herself. Casey decided to give Sarah an hour longer and if she still hadn't returned, he would activate her tracker.

It was only then that he realised the unmistakeable smell of a soiled pamper. He removed CJ from his position on his shoulder and held him at eye level. The baby looked at Casey with wide eyes and Casey was sure he saw a smirk on the child's face. "Good Lord, what the hell is Walker feeding you in that bottle ?" He exited the bedroom and headed for the nursery. Once there, he placed the baby on the changing bed and at that point, wished he had a Hazmat Suit. He grunted, took a deep breath and then started on changing CJ's pamper.

/

Colonel John Casey felt proud of himself. He had successfully changed CJ's pamper and now the little guy was lying in his bassinet and playing with the Star Wars teddy bear which Morgan had given him. Casey had also warmed the breast milk that Sarah kept in the fridge for his overnight feedings and prepared another bottle of milk. Yep, he felt really proud. He was now surfing through the channels but nothing good was on- all he saw were a bunch of those lame shows where people who couldn't sing but were still pretty big in the entertainment industry tried to find America's next sing sensation. And he wasn't in the mood for any romantic comedies or science fiction. Finally, he found a channel which was broadcasting a documentary on Ronald Reagan and luckily for him, it had just started.

As Chuck pulled into his driveway, he noticed Casey's car and it was only then did he remember that he and Casey were supposed to go over the specs for an upcoming mission. He sighed as he foot out of the car and ran a hand over his face. These last few weeks had been so hectic. He had gotten tied up at work again - running a software company was a lot harder than some people thought and to top it off, Apple was threatening to sue his company for stealing their ideas for the new tablet which was scheduled to release in two weeks. He also felt bad about not having called Sarah to tell her he would be a bit later than expected. He just hoped she wouldn't be too mad and knew that somehow he was really going to have to make it up to her. He had promised her that they would raise their children together but lately, he wasn't standing up to his part of the bargain. Sighing again, he made his way to the red front door and turned his key.

"Casety, hey, I'm really sorry about tonight, I got caught up at the office."

*grunt* (It's fine moron) " We'll just have to do it tomorrow"

"Thanks buddy. What are you up to?" he asked as he made his way over to his son. He immediately went into his baby voice and cooed to the baby.

"Well I was teaching CJ about the best president America's ever had. I can't have you and Grimmes filling his head with your nerdy nonsense. There needs to be a balance and I'm gonna teach him all there is to know about the great US of A."

"Well, on behalf of my son, I thank you" Chuck added dryly. "Um Casey?Where's Sarah?"

/

A/N: Thanks for reading. Please leave a review ( even if it's a guest one) let me know if you liked/ loved it or what you disliked, constructive critiscm is welcome. I have the second part of the story in my head already, I just have to put finger to tablet.

Stay safe.

from Barbados.


	2. Chapter 2

AN : Thanks a million for all the reviews for the previous chapter and also to those of you who followed/ favourited. I know some readers may get tired of seeing this, but trust me it is true, take the time to review any story you have read, it really does make a difference to writer. Personally, I'm going to try to go back to all the stories I had read before I created an account and leave reviews.

So now I present to you Chapter 2.

/

Sarah had walked for what she figured was nearly half an hour when she found herself at the beach. Their beach. Slipping off her sandals, she made her way down the beach. She walked along the shore for a while, and watched as the calm waters lapped unto the golden sand. It was calming, it was peaceful, it was exactly what she needed. She needed this, some time to herself, to clear her mind. She had been ecstatic when she found out she was going to have a baby with Chuck - the only man she'd ever loved, the only man she would ever want to be the father of her children. But, she had also been scared, scared that she wouldn't be good enough, scared that she would screw up and that somehow her child would have a more tumultuous childhood than she had.

"You're Sarah Walker! You can do anything." Chuck's words ran throughout her mind. He had eventually changed the "Walker" to "Bartowski" and on many occasions it had been the motivation she needed. While she loved the fact that Chuck had so much faith in her, somehow, that sentiment didn't ring true anymore. She honestly thought that they were prepared to venture into parenthood; they had had the nursery painted and decorated, the furniture ordered and the gift registry completed by the time she was twenty-four weeks and both she and Chuck had read all the pregnancy and childcare books they could find. And yet, despite all the reading and advice she had received from Mary, Ellie and her own mother, she felt helpless and unprepared to care for the child who had entered her life.

She loved her son, she really did but the feelings of sadness, indifference towards the baby and bouts of crying she had been experiencing lately really made her wonder if they should have waited a while longer to start their family. There were times when she had to restrain herself from begging Chuck not to got to work for fear of not being able to cope.

'You're in way over your head Sarah. You don't have it in you to be a mother, You're just gonna screw up your son's life and he will resent when he grows older.' Sarah shook her head, trying to rid her mind of such negative thoughts. It had been a long time since she'd heard those voices in her head- the same voices which had told her she'd never amount to anything, after all, she was nothing but a jailbird's daughter, the same voices which convinced her that she was meant to be alone and no one would ever love her, the same voices which told her Chuck would never love her if he ever found out what she had done as a CIA agent before they met. But she had proved them wrong time and time again and she could be a good mother to CJ, she had to be. She just needed to find her balance.

Sarah then looked at the watch which Chuck had given her on their second anniversary, one month before CJ was born. It was 9:20, she had been gone for almost forty-five minutes. She trusted Casey with CJ but this would have been the longest he was ever alone with him if Chuck still hadn't come home. Usually when CJ started to cry, he would pass him off to either of his parents so Sarah wasn't sure how Casey would cope with CJ who would be sleepy by now. She decided it was time she headed back home, before Casey put out an APB on her.

/

"Casey, I'm starting to get worried about Sarah." Chuck said as he paced in front of the TV. "Are you sure she didn't say where she was going?"

"Bartowski !" Casey growled "You're gonna wear a hole in the carpet. And move out of the way will you. I'm trying to watch the TV."

"Maybe we should try her cellphone again."

It took all of Casey's strength not to punch Chuck. "We already tried her on her cellphone idiot! And it's on the kitchen table remember?"

"Oh right, right! Well maybe it's time to activate the tracker in her watch?"

Casey was about to reply when the doorbell rang. "Maybe that's her but she just forgot her keys." Chuck said. When he opened the door he did not find Sarah but his mother.

"Mom! What are you doing here?"

"Well hello to you too Charles. I'm fine and so was my flight." Mary replied as she made her way into the house. "Casey." she said in acknowledgement to which she received a nod.

Chuck finally recovered and went to hug his mom. " Of course I'm happy to see you mom. I'm just surprised to see you back so soon. I thought you'd be back next week."

"Well I wrapped up things in Washington early so I got the first flight I could. And I just had to come and see my favourite grandson" Mary replied as she made her way over to CJ's bassinet. "And Nana missed her big boy didn't she? Oh yes she did. I missed you sooooo much" she cooed to the baby as she picked him up "And I brought back a gift for you too, do you wanna see it?" Mary turned her attention to Chuck and Casey for a minute "Where's Sarah?" she asked the both of them.

"Well, um she's..." Chuck started but CJ's crying interrupted him.

Mary shifted her attention back to the crying baby in her arms. "What's the matter sweetie? Are you hungry?" Casey informed her that he had been fed twenty minutes ago so she assumed that he was wet. "Well, I'm gonna go change him" she said to the two men as she made her way up the stairs.

/

"Casey, what if something has happened to Sarah? Oh god! What if she's been kidnapped?" Chuck's mind was now racing with probable scenarios.

" I'm sure Walker's fine. She can take care of herself and even if something had happened, she would've activated her emergency beacon."

"You're right, you're right. She probably lost track of time." Chuck replied.

"But I'll give her five more minutes and then we'll activate her tracker because if I have to watch you pace up and down any longer I'm gonna shoot you." Casey replied in a menacing tone.

"As I suspected " Mary started as she made her way downstairs "he was wet". CJ was now resting on her shoulder as she rubbed circles on his back in an attempt to get him to fall asleep.

"But I changed him about thirty minutes ago, he couldn't have gotten so wet in that short time." Casey told her.

"I was wondering who put that pamper on him without fastening it. That's why he was so fussy, his urine seeped out of the pamper and into his pyjamas."

"Oh, well I assumed his pants would hold it in place. " Casey replied looking slightly embarrassed. He then heard Chuck snickering. "What?" he asked somewhat defensively, "It's not like it came with instructions!" he snarled.

Mary watched on in amusement. Chuck was about to reply when the front door opened revealing Sarah.

/

AN #2: I know this is short and for that I apologize. I had intended to get this out on Emancipation Day but then I got caught up with the Crop Over festivities ( if you don't know what Crop Over is, google it and book your ticket for next year, it really is the sweetest summer festival). I was also having trouble with my Internet connection so that contributed to the delay. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, all mistakes are mine. I hope to have the next chapter out soon.

Until next time, stay safe and be happy.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N #1: I apologize for the long wait. I have no other excuse than life got in the way as I had to make some serious decisions regarding which subjects i want to study for college in 2 years. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

**Zachary Levi was named the sexiest man on Broadway for 2013. *swoon* I confess, I'm in love with him.**

/

"Hi" was the only word Sarah said she entered her home. She had seen Mary's car in the driveway and for a fleeting moment thought Casey had called her over to help him out with CJ but then remembered that Mary had been in Washington for the past two and a half weeks. Sarah immediately scanned the room for her baby and a small smile came to her face when she saw he was resting on his grandmother's shoulder but obviously fighting sleep. She then looked around the living room and saw that it was relatively clean and saw that everything was as she had left it; Casey had done a good job while watching his godson. Initially, she had felt a bit guilty for leaving Casey alone with the baby, considering how uncomfortable he could get around children in general; but she had needed some time to herself and Chuck was due home soon.

"Hi" the other adults responded. Sarah could feel their eyes on her as she made her way to kitchen. She proceeded to move to the fridge and took out a bottle of water. In the living room, Chuck looked at Casey with a worried expression echoed in his face while Mary posed a question to each of them with her eyes. Casey just grunted and inclined his head to the kitchen, suggesting that he should just follow Sarah.

He found Sarah sitting at the dining table sipping her water. Chuck pulled out a chair and sat next to his wife. "Hey" Chuck started. Sarah's only response was to glance up at him and offer a weak smile. "Honey, would you like to explain to me why you left the baby with Casey?"

"Chuck, I just needed some time to myself. Ok?"

Chuck looked at her carefully, studying her everything about her. She sounded tired, her hair was in a messy bun, her shoulders were hunched, and were those tear stains on her cheeks? He immediately felt like kicking himself as he realized how much stress his wife must be under and he hanp done next to nothing to help her out.

"Where did you go?"

"For a walk." was her simple answer. " I just needed to get away" she continued.

He reached out his hand to touch her, to let her know that he was there for her and that she could tell him what was going on in her mind. He was glad that she didn't flinch as he placed his left hand over hers.

"I can't do this" she whispered; so softly that Chuck barely heard her. "I'm not a good mother" Sarah complained as she held back a sob.

"What are you talking about? You're a great mom!" Chuck exclaimed. He believed she was doing a great job in raising their son. If anything, he was the one being a lousy parent and needed to concentrate more energy towards his family.

"I can't do anything right!" she wailed, she saw Chuck was about to say something again and cut him off; "and don't you dare try to tell me about what a wonderful mother I am! " she practically shouted as she rose from her chair. "You're hardly here!" she exclaimed "you don't know what it's like when you're not home. He cries all the time (maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration) and whenever you do decide to show up he's happy and cooing all the time. I don't think he loves me." Sarah tried in vain to blink back the tears in her eyes that had appeared during her speech. Even John Casey; retired marine seemed to be able to care for her child better than she could! _  
_

She looked at Chuck who was still rooted in the chair. For Chuck, Sarah's speech was further proof that he wasn't being supportive enough. He didn't want to be the kind of father who was always coming home late form work, who missed their child's first steps or first football game or recitals because they were too caught up with work. He knew what it was like, growing up with one parent, and eventually with none. It had sucked and he didn't want that for his children, he wouldn't be the kind of man who was a father only because certain parts of his anatomy had helped to create a new life. And he wouldn't be the kind of husband who never had time for his wife, he would make sure he spent every moment he could with her, letting her know how much she meant to him, how much he appreciated and cherished her, how much he loved her.

"Sarah," he started " I know I haven't been around as much as I should have been for the past couple of weeks. And I know you probably feel like you're all alone and I hate myself for making you feel that way. I never wanted you to know what it's like to be in a relationship but to still feel alone. I love you, and I want you to know that I am here for you and that you can count on me." He huffed and rose out of his chair. "I realized that I've been too focused on work; I guess the excitement of finally attaining my goal having my own successful software company after so many years just..." he stopped his rambling; he didn't want Sarah to think he was making excuses. "I'm sorry."

He then made his way towards her and enveloped her in his arms. " I love you and I really am sorry." he whispered in her ear.

"I love you too Chuck. I just thought I would be better at this." she added with a sad smile.

Chuck kissed her temple before releasing her so he could look directly into her eyes. " Sarah Bartowski! You can do anything. And please believe me when I say this; you are doing a great job so far. Our soon is healthy and he's happy and most of that credit goes to you, I'm very proud of you." he said and Sarah could clearly see the love and adoration in his chocolate brown eyes.

She smiled this time, a real smile which actually reached her eyes. "Do you really believe that?" she asked; to which Chuck nodded yes in response. "Thank you." she said then leaned in to give Chuck a kiss on the lips "now how about we go check up on our son?"

/

A/N#2: School starts back next week Monday and I am excited because I got into 6th form! I'm sorry this chapter was short, I will try to get out another by mid-week.

Until next time, stay safe.

With live form Barbados.


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